Now I have a history here. My birthday comes at a bad time,
soon after Christmas, so not only have I often been on the road to and
from family Christmases on my birth date, but if I’m home, often no one else is, or everyone is
too broke and tired after the holidays to remember, or make much of an effort,
for my birthday.
I can remember
birthdays past – in my childhood - when if I wanted a cake, I baked it myself,
coins wrapped in wax paper and all. My
Mom was a single parent and busy or not much into baking, my sister was likely
mad at me, and my brother didn’t ever give much of a damn about anything that
didn’t directly involve himself and his own well-being.
There is a feeling here, when you make your own birthday cake
that is still with me; a question maybe of wondering if you are worth all the
fuss. After all if you were important, wouldn’t someone else take the time to
bake you a cake, and put icing and candles on it? I can’t ask my late mother why I ended up
baking my own birthday cake. I can
recall her telling me about my birth however:
how she drove herself to the hospital, how the mean nurses left her alone in the delivery room, how the doctor never
came by, how she ended up shaking and scared, in shock, all alone during the
delivery, though I’m sure someone at the hospital showed up eventually to cut
the umbilical cord and write down the numbers.
Which is what happened at my party: some key people cancelled at the last minute,
others arrived late and not at all. In
the end I did visit with one friend until two other new friends came in
carrying Nanaimo bars, which really added to my enjoyment of the evening. And two of us did do some dancing. But I was
left with the feeling of trying too hard.
And of disappointment.
I guess I remember now why I had been keeping my birthdays low-key;
enjoying cake and dinner with my in-laws if we were visiting them; being grateful for the cake my husband buys or bakes when
we are home. And what I have
learned over and over on my birthday - and again this year – is not to have too
many expectations. Don't pay too much attention to who
does or doesn't show up to the party, but to who is with you in the quiet hours before and after,
who takes time for the little things you like, and who spends time with you throughout the year.
